Stumbled.......

So I have obviously taken stumbled on this journey that I started with such a passion just a 2 short weeks ago. I have joined a group on FB that is doing Made To Crave and will attend the first chat session tonight in about 30 minutes. I am also thinking it may be high time to go back to Weight Watchers.

I know this is a stronghold for me - a pit that I am in. It is seriously affecting my mood and my motivation. I have to get out of this pit and I know I can't do it alone. I didn't realize what a truly stronghold this was for me. Apparently I thought that this I decided to include God in it this time it would be easier, but I should have known - at at some level I did know, that it would be harder. Satan is coming at me full bore and I have learned today that not only do I need to do my Bible studies, but I have to use my mouth. God doesn't say to think the mountain to move, he says to SPEAK.

This is going to be a struggle for me and I do believe that I can do this through Christ and his strength. I won't give up, I refuse too!

Accountability

Well, I already missed a day - July 4. I was waiting on the computer to do whatever it was it felt the need to do. I got to spend the day with a wonderful friend and her family.

So as for accountability - Lysa says I need to have it. I think I do too. I had Doritos, cake AND cupcake yesterday. Really, like one wasn't enough???? Thinking the cupcake really wasn't necessary and then today I had a salad at 3:30 and then made a cheeseburger and corn on the cob. Probably really wasn't necessary as I am pretty sure I wasn't hungry. Then, about 7:45 I decided that some wings would be good so I made 4. Now, on the plus side (besides the + on the weight factor) I had 8 in the bag and only made 4. Would likely make the other 4 if I weren't typing right now, so this is definitely a good thing for me.

This is so not what I was planning on writing about today, but since the past 2 days have talked about accountability and I don't really have an accountability partner I thought this the next best thing.

Praying for strength that those 4 wings stay in the freezer and I can make decent choices at Buffalo Wild Wings tomorrow.

Thanks for keeping me accountable!!!

Desperation to Determination

Great visual to start the video off toda - Lysa showed a bucket with 3 holes. The bottom home was medium sized, the middle one was smaller, and the top was the largest - now which to do you fix first??

Without a solid foundation on which to build we are likely to fail. Several verses come to mind and they are from Luke. Luke 6:48-49:

"He is like a man building a house who dug down deep and ladi the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like the man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it was collapsed and its dustruction was complete".

So it is with this journey. If I do not repair the foudation - my Want to, when temptation comes I am going to collapse. When I am so tired and/or so hungry my resolve is going to give way, I am going to be desperate for something to give me energy and that is going to lead to defeat. When I have the right want to, I can be determined, I will want success so I will plan for it. I will have quick, healthy options in the apartment - I won't have to run through the drive thru to get something, I can grab a yogurt, piece of cheese and an egg or apple and have a great healthy mini-meal.

I am no longer desperate to loose weight for the vainity reasons, if a guy is not going to like me because of my outward appearance (or not give me a chance) then do I truly want to be with him? Though I must be very cautious on this front as I am very guilty of this myself. This can lead to a whole other blog topic.

I am desperate in the sense that I want to serve God, I want him to use me to further His kingdom. Because of that, I am turning that desperation into determination and using His strength to be successful. After all, I am a Jesus girl. I am Chosen, Blessed, Adopted, Accepted, Redeemed, and Forgiven: I'm believing God!!!! I cannot take credit for this - got from the Beth Moore Bible study Believing God.

I am absolutely LOVING how the Bible studies I am doing are fitting in so perfectly with Made To Crave. I know that none of that is a coincidence - it is GOD!!!

Mission Impossible

Today I got to chose a movie title for how I thought creating a food plan was going to be. I was given a list of title to from which to choose: Psycho, Leap of Faith, Mission Impossible, Life Is Beautiful, High Noon, Do the Right Thing, Les Miserables, Saving Grace, A Time to Kill, and Independence Day. Some of these I hadn't heard of so that reduced my selection immediately, but based upon my past I have chosen Mission Impossible.

I have tried and can be successful in the short run, but not the long. What I feel is the most important flag I can take from this is that I have not completely changed my thought process. I know that this is a journey and I am not going to wake up one morning and Wha-La!! be changed, but I do feel like I am making progress. I realize that it is Mission Impossible as long as I try to go it alone.

The verses that have been speaking the loudest to be are from Isaiah. Isaiah 43:18-19 says to

"forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

This verse is definitely going to help me remove the "im" from impossible and make it possible because it is not possible with me -I'm not able, but He is.

I saw this happen today - I was at Olive Garden for lunch and didn't even have a bread stick. Now I have done this in the past, but it was very difficult. This time I loved it, I didn't want one, and I know that was God because I am a carb junkie. I even chose the healthy soup - Minnestrone - in place of the salad as the salad dressing they use is less than healthy. I also chose just a plain pasta with a tomato based sauce - and it was good. I chose from their items with the olive branch by them - which indicated low fat.

All that being see, I truly believe I have my Want to and as I am working on taking me out of impossible (I'm), I truly believe I am going to be successful and I thank God and give him the glory for my success.

Wishing plans

Wishes and plans, can they co-exitst? Can I wish I had a plan that was going to give me the success I want to experience with this journey? Can I plan to keep wishing that it will happen? I think the previous is probably the path I have been journeying down for quite some time now. I have been wishing it away, my spoiled self was going to wake up one morning and God was going to magically make the pounds go away over night.

So today in Chapter 3 Lysa talks about making/finding a food plan that works for you. I think there in lies the key - it has to work for you. It has to be something I am willing to embrace for the rest of my life. With that being said, I am going to have to venture from what I learned to be called red light foods at WW. Red light foods are foods that you just can't have or they will start a binge.

I can't imagine my life without ever having ice cream, reese peanutbutter cup, bread, chocolate - though have found a great way to have this with my coffee, wings, or any of those other "off limits" foods that people who are "dieting" can't have. This is where I agree with WW, it can't be a diet, it has to be a lifestyle. I believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and this is what I believe - with my whole heart. I don't think I have a physical addiction (such as alcoholism or drug addiction), I think I use food to pacify myself and once I get to the root of my issues I believe God will give me what I need.

My food plan is everything in moderation, with an emphasis on the "outside of the grocery store" and less on the pre-packaged and processed foods. I want to want the fruits and veggies. I have a much easier time with fruits than the veggies. I also need to up my protein intake. The one food I cannot give up in the summer is corn on the cob, so a complete elimination of carbs is pretty much out of the question.

So what am I going to do??? My current plan is to continue building my climbing wall to my Want to so that I can get to a healthy and sustainable weight and take care of the my Holy Spirit's temple and continue walking with God.

Spoiled has no place on this journey

Today's activity asked if I had ever expected God to help me with my healthy eating or did I feel like I was out there on my own. Can honestly say this is something I never considered, but made me realize that I am a SPOIILED brat.

I am finding through a lot of this that even though Made To Crave is a weight loss journey, it applies to so much more of my life. Yes, I have asked God to give me strength not only with regards to healthy eating, weight loss in general, but in all areas of my life. However, I never felt like I got any response - which probably has a lot to do with the choices I have made. What I have come to realize is that I have expected God to do EVERYTHING while I did nothing except go about my life how I wanted to live it. I was expecting Him to do all the work. Finally figuring out that it doesn't work that way.

I have to do my part. He is like that. Guess if He just waved a magic wand and did everything my way, well then He wouldn't be God would He. Guess that is like the clay trying to be the potter.

I didn't realize how much the Bible studies were affecting me until this past week when I have actually stopped to think about the questions Lysa is posing in her book and the participants guide. I think this is a good thing. Lots of personal "clutter" to go through and likely wouldn't do it on my own. I would perpetuate the definition of insanity - continuing to do what you've always done and expecting to get a different result.

I know this journey is going to be bumpy - last night was a perfect example. Did lots of praying and went to bed instead of trying to find something to eat, nothing was really here to eat, but it was just the idea. Expecting the devil to give me a real hard time about this one - he has got me for the last 25 years - NO MORE!!!

I am done being a spoiled brat -I am determined to do my part this time because I am who God says I am and I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and His word is alive and active in me!

More than just me

Just read Chapter 2 in Made to Crave. I feel like everything Lysa has experienced and thought I have too. It is quite errie actually, but also shows me how NOT alone I am. I had to laugh out loud (really, not just LOL) when I read how she would strip off every stitch of clothes when she rolled out of bed and then stepped on the scale, only to not like what she saw so she would take her pony tail holder out and try again - because let's face it, it has to weigh SOMETHING. Oh how I can relate and understand.

So this whole journey has to be about me, doesn't it? I mean I am the one that walked out of the doctors office with the cholesterol report that said HIGH (LDL, not HDL). I am the one who had to tell Endia (the triage nurse) what the scale said, and unlike the DMV I don't think she would have bought what I wanted to tell her -115, yea, even when I lost 76 pounds last time I never got down to 115. I am the one who ran up my Kohl's charge (there's another blog in itself - they shouldn't have a charge program) because I didn't have anything I could fit into that I could wear to work - not an exaggeration either. Everything here is I, I, I - so this is about me..... no, no it's not. Not if I want it to last, not if I want to have the resolve and be empowerd to say NO! to that margaritta (the large one please) and the cheese caso, the chicken and cheese quesada , the sugary cereals, the ice cream, the Venti xyz from Starbucks and the list goes on, at least not for the long haul. Can I do it on my own for a few days, weeks, maybe even months (like all the previous times) - SURE!!! But there in lies the problem, after a period of time I hit the proverbial brick wall. I can remember what I chose the last time that sent me in the wrong direction - the BIG Reese Peanut Buttercup, they had just come out with them and I had deprived myself of anything and everything that could possibly satisfy me (at that time I was still looking "in the world" for satisfaction) that it lead to another and another, not to mention the couple dates with Ben & Jerry, Oreo showed up for the gathering and who only knows what else. That would be the week the lady at WW made me get on the scale 2x as she couldn't believe anyone could gain that much that quickly.

To increase my odds of not hitting that brick wall, I need to use those bricks - which could be called any number of things depending on the day - cravings, stressors, depression, fatigue, joy, sorrow, etc., - and turn them into prayers. Again, this is something Lysa addressed in Chapter 2. If I can take all these things that cause me to FAIL miserably and turn them into prayer - oh the blessings and positivity that will come from that!!!

I am learning, not since I started Made to Crave, this started happening to the best of my recollection January 29, 2011. I had made another of my too numerous to count bad decisions and finally realized, Kim - there has to be more than this, you have got to get yourself together girl and figure it out! I was living for me, for the here and now and that was getting me less than no where and fast! Cause let's face it -I ain't all that, not even close!!

I have decided that I will take each brick that I encounter that makes me want to make negative choices and turn them into prayer. That way I can create a climbing wall where I can make my way to God to be able to walk that glorious walk with him instead of building a wall that is going to seperate me from him because of my sinful ways and decisions! So to Starbucks - I am sorry, but only tall Non Fat skinny caramel macchatios are in the future for this girl, I am sure someone else will make up the missing revenue. :)

finding my Want To.....

So yesterday I left off with finding my want to. Sounds kinda silly actually, makes me think it would be somthing Jeff Foxworthy would use with his comedy - you know when he talks about words southern folks use that aren't really words.... anyhow.....

As God woke me up this morning around 3:30 - that is something He and I need to discuss, I laid there thinking a lot about my Want to. I have the How to, it is the want to that is in need of some tweaking. Bear with me as I take a walk down memory lane.

My Want to, for as far back as I can remember has all been superficial. See, those of you who have known me know that I have always been "fat" - call it what you will, pleasantly plump, chubby, overweight, undertall, one of my personal favorites "fluffy" if it looks like a duck, it's a duck.

My memories from childhood are generally related to weight. I can remember very vividly being at Deis Hill for Brownie/Girl Scout day camp and we were building a human pyramid. Now usuallyin these the older girls are on the bottom as they are generally the bigger ones. I can remember going over to be on the 2nd row and the girl saying something to the effect of that fat girl isn't going to get on me. Now my Mom was our troops Brownie leader so I went running as fast as my fat little legs would take me over to Mom sobbing and told her what that girl said. Well, now being a protective mother, my Mom marched on over there and had what I have come to know from living in the south as a "come to Jesus meeting" with not only that girl - but all the girls standing there. Now I don't remember if we ever made the blasted pyramid or not, but I do know that my Mom stood up for me, they had hurt her "little" girl.

I remember being outside in the neighborhood playing - because if you were awake and it was nice out you were outside. I remember being called fatty fatty 2x4 can't get through the kitchen door, which is ironic because obviously to be that size I could get through the door to the food. I can remember being "mooed"at "oinked" at always being chosen last for everything because who wants the fat girl who can't do anything. I remember liking a boy in 6th grade (even remember) who it was and wanting to "go with him" - like we would go anywhere, but I digress - and he said no, she is too fat.

I can remember being at family gatherings and the men drinking and they would start in on me. Mom was always there for me and would try to make it better, but she couldn't.

Anyway is it any wonder my want to has always been for acceptance, to want people to like me? I have always - even this last time when I lost the weight 7 years ago, equated thin to being liked or accepted. A friend had put on her FB post a while back that at times she still felt like she was in high school and wanted to be friends with the popular kids but she never fit in. Oh how I know that feeling.

Every time have lost the weight (before 9th grade, before I graduated high school, after graduated OU in 1994, and then in 2004) I thought that being thin was going to change my life and you know what - it didn't. I changed, and not for the better. When I would lose weight (after high school) I would turn to negative things - partying, drinking, hanging out with people who had lives that I thought I wanted. But all the negative choices left me feeing hollow and even more alone and empty so I would turn back to my friend, the one who I was never an imposition on, never draining on them, food.

This is really hard for me and to be honest I don't know that I will hit publish post - I hope I do, but I don't know.

I have finally come to a place in my life here I realize that my size doesn't matter to my true friends - outside of health concerns for me. The only one I truly need to be accepted by is God. I need to take care of this "temple" he has given me for the Spirit to dwell in. He has entrusted its care to me and I haven't been doing a very good job.

Several passages are really standing out to me right now:

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 (NIV) "Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - I will not be mastered by anything. Food for the stomach and stomach for the food - but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

1 Corinthians 10:23 (NIV) "Everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive"

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (NIV) "But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Chit's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficultes. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So it has taken me at least 26 years (started first weight loss doctor at 13) to realize why I have been going through all this. This wasn't an obvious stronghold to me, after all it is not like alcoholism, an alcoholic can never have a drink again - which I am in no way minimizing the impact that alcoholism has over a person, their life and family, but we don't have to eat in order to survive. We have to have nourishment in order to survive - we have to eat, even Jesus only went 40 days without food (did I really but ONLY in front of 40????).

Anyway, all that to say my Want To is to be able to honor God, to turn to him for my strength and support, for encouragement when I am down and feeling lonely (which is more often than I care to admit, but that is another tale) and I need to take care of this body as he has entrusted me with it. I no longer want to loose weight to look good, to get a guy, to be happy - that isn't the key to any of that and if it is to the guy, he isn't worth it anyway.

That is my Want to - what is yours????

Trading one strong hold for another????

About 24 hours into this now and I must say I am enjoying it. In the session 1 video Lysa talks about choosing to feel empowered over deprived. I was really liking that. I can have power over that ice cream or that Venti something something at Starbucks that I sometimes "forget" to order in the skinny version. Then I was doing my Bible study this morning - finishing an old one that I joined late - and it made me think of something.

Food, or more importantly too much food, is a stronghold for me; however, if I am not careful I can turn it a complete 180 and start to deny myself and let that take control over me. I think that would be quite prideful - look I can say NO to everything I want, I have that power. That would be just as bad as the pit I find myself out of now.

That is what I did with the Weight Watchers program. I followed that program to a "T". When my daily allotted points were used up that was it, I was D-O-N-E, DONE. I would even go to bed at 7:00 to keep from eating. One helpful thing I did do was take out the trash (I walked to the dumpster) when I would want to snack sometimes, but you get the picture. Looking back now I know it was all about control (yea, me and control issues - go figure). Food was the only thing in my life I could control. I moved 700+ miles away, knew no one, had a terminally ill Dad, started a new job - which is another Blog itself, but I could control what I put in my mouth. I was also doing it for shallow, vain, and not so Godly reasons and as Lysa pointed out in the introduction of the book - "vainty seeking want-to would never last" (pg.16) - sorry cite out of habit. I was letting the "empowerment" take over and control me. Let me just tell you when I gave in just an itsy bitty little bit - well let's just say when I went back to WW she weighed me twice, she didn't believe anyone could gain that much in a week. Oh Yes I did!

She also talks about it being easier to make excuses than changes. Oh how true this is! I think I have used every excuse in the book. The latest being - why bother, I can get it off but I can't keep it off. Hence the search for something any the devine intervention of stumbling onto Made to Crave.

So after the doctor today (I got an antibiotic incidently) and saw my cholesterol is in the truly less than desirable zone, but I think just shy of the danger zone (flash backs to Top Gun song) I went to Fresh Market - for those of you who don't know what that is, I am sorry - love the Fresh Market. There is one in Destin if you are vacationing there - but I digress. The picture at the top (until I learn to insert them where I want them) is what I made for lunch. Quite good I might add. I need to go back to what I learned in the spring of my 8th grade year at Dover Middle School - when you are eating that is ALL you do. You don't read, talk on the phone, watch TV, or anything else - so many other things we can do today that weren't even available to us back in 1986 (ouch!).

As you can tell by that, I have been at this weight loss thing a long time, so I pretty much have the How To down, I am now working on the Want to. More on that tomorrow!

Embarking on my Made to Crave journey

taken June 17, 2011 (notice how I am using my niece to hide me)

Today, for the final time, I am embarking on a weight loss journey. The last time was 7 years ago and I must say I was successful. I lost a total of 76 pounds! I was elated to say the least. However, I did it for all the wrong reasons and as such find myself exactly where I started on Monday, July 19, 2004. How do I know the exact date? That is the day I joined Weight Watchers and still have every weight tracker. I swore I would NEVER end up there again, but here I sit right back where I started and thankful that I am not bigger. To say I am disappointed in myself is a HUGE understatement (no pun intended). I can continue to be embarrassed about it and beat myself up, or I can realize that food has a stronghold over me and give it to God.


I have been making a lot of small subtle changes in my life over these last 9 months, many of which I am just realizing as I sit here typing this. Thanks to a truly wonderful friend I started back to church - she told me I could sit with her so I didn't feel so alone. Oh if I had only known then the impact that wou have on my life. I have completed 2 Bible studies, read several books by Beth Moore, Priscilla Schirer, Joyce Meyer and Mary Southerland. All I believe in preparation for this journey I am about to undertake.


You see I have been praying for God to give me the joy and contentment I see in these and countless other women. Why am I not experiencing the things they are?? I believe my answer is found in a stronghold - food. Through my searching for answers to my weight issues and my wanting to walk with God and feel that peace and joy I came across Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. While the study is made to be done with a group, I am going it solo this go around.


I watched the first video session and read the introduction the book today and I am more sure than I was when I purchased it that this is what I need to be successful in breaking this stronghold. She talks in the introduction about going to the doctor and having blood work done and hoping it would come back with an issue that was causing the weight and how a pill would fix everything - yep, I that too. But what really struck me and made me realize that yes Kim - this is for you is she mentioned going for a sore throat. To most this would mean nothing and ordinarly I would think the same, but I have been battling an extremem sore throat for 4 days now. Yep! This is for me!! That isn't a coincidence- that is God!


I am doing this blog as a way to track my thoughts and feelings as I undertake my journey and if it can help othes I pray that it does so. I pray that somehow through my experience and journey I will able to use it to bless others.


I am so excited to begin this journey and hopeful that as I add to this is will seem less chaotic and begin to make more sense. :D