More than just me

Just read Chapter 2 in Made to Crave. I feel like everything Lysa has experienced and thought I have too. It is quite errie actually, but also shows me how NOT alone I am. I had to laugh out loud (really, not just LOL) when I read how she would strip off every stitch of clothes when she rolled out of bed and then stepped on the scale, only to not like what she saw so she would take her pony tail holder out and try again - because let's face it, it has to weigh SOMETHING. Oh how I can relate and understand.

So this whole journey has to be about me, doesn't it? I mean I am the one that walked out of the doctors office with the cholesterol report that said HIGH (LDL, not HDL). I am the one who had to tell Endia (the triage nurse) what the scale said, and unlike the DMV I don't think she would have bought what I wanted to tell her -115, yea, even when I lost 76 pounds last time I never got down to 115. I am the one who ran up my Kohl's charge (there's another blog in itself - they shouldn't have a charge program) because I didn't have anything I could fit into that I could wear to work - not an exaggeration either. Everything here is I, I, I - so this is about me..... no, no it's not. Not if I want it to last, not if I want to have the resolve and be empowerd to say NO! to that margaritta (the large one please) and the cheese caso, the chicken and cheese quesada , the sugary cereals, the ice cream, the Venti xyz from Starbucks and the list goes on, at least not for the long haul. Can I do it on my own for a few days, weeks, maybe even months (like all the previous times) - SURE!!! But there in lies the problem, after a period of time I hit the proverbial brick wall. I can remember what I chose the last time that sent me in the wrong direction - the BIG Reese Peanut Buttercup, they had just come out with them and I had deprived myself of anything and everything that could possibly satisfy me (at that time I was still looking "in the world" for satisfaction) that it lead to another and another, not to mention the couple dates with Ben & Jerry, Oreo showed up for the gathering and who only knows what else. That would be the week the lady at WW made me get on the scale 2x as she couldn't believe anyone could gain that much that quickly.

To increase my odds of not hitting that brick wall, I need to use those bricks - which could be called any number of things depending on the day - cravings, stressors, depression, fatigue, joy, sorrow, etc., - and turn them into prayers. Again, this is something Lysa addressed in Chapter 2. If I can take all these things that cause me to FAIL miserably and turn them into prayer - oh the blessings and positivity that will come from that!!!

I am learning, not since I started Made to Crave, this started happening to the best of my recollection January 29, 2011. I had made another of my too numerous to count bad decisions and finally realized, Kim - there has to be more than this, you have got to get yourself together girl and figure it out! I was living for me, for the here and now and that was getting me less than no where and fast! Cause let's face it -I ain't all that, not even close!!

I have decided that I will take each brick that I encounter that makes me want to make negative choices and turn them into prayer. That way I can create a climbing wall where I can make my way to God to be able to walk that glorious walk with him instead of building a wall that is going to seperate me from him because of my sinful ways and decisions! So to Starbucks - I am sorry, but only tall Non Fat skinny caramel macchatios are in the future for this girl, I am sure someone else will make up the missing revenue. :)